Self reflection

Every once in awhile, I try to look at myself objectively and see what other people see. I tried doing that today, but I'm sad to say that I don't like what I see. In fact, I'm kind of dejected at the person I've become and it's hard for me to look at myself for long before turning away in embarrassment. Pretty much, I just need God. I feel that I've strayed from Him due to various circumstances and my own lack of self control.

I see in myself a person who is very confused. I'm not sure what I want from life anymore. I don't have challenging goals or dreams that are motivating me to become more than I am. Instead, I'm filling my life with tons of things that aren't really satisfying me.

I see that I am not really confident in myself. I don't strive to look good all the time, trying to prove to other's that I am or anything, but I just don't care. I don't value myself like I should (and I don't mean that to sound emo or self-centered). I just find myself embarrassed at my own inabilities and problems and I have trouble facing myself and my actions sometimes.

I see someone who is kind of judgmental, not in the sense that I judge people I don't know or stereotype. I judge people because of the things I don't like in them, but I don't take the time to notice the things in them that are good. This is what embarrasses me most right now. I used to try so hard never to be pessimistic about a person or speak badly about them, and I generally succeeded. These days, I am angry and judgmental of many people. I get angry at what people do/say and it's unworthy of me and the God I should be trying to represent. And I tell people more than I should. My judgments just fall out and I don't realize until later what I said, and then I'm ashamed of myself all over again. Most of the time, this shame drives me to go and tell the person straight up what I'm thinking, so at least I'm not stabbing them in the back, but it doesn't change that I judged them when my sins are so great that I don't have the right to.

I think it all came during the transition from HS to college. I don't know how the change in environment did this to me, but I seriously need a re-examining of my life. Who I am hates who I've been. So...new resolutions:
1. Whenever I catch myself thinking poorly of someone, I will force myself to find something equally good in them
2. I will not tell other people what I think of a person I am critical of
3. Anyone that I have felt angry toward or judged that day, I will pray for them and myself that night.

Yeah. No worries, I'm not super depressed or anything. I know that I have good qualities, too. :) This is just the result of my self reflection.

People tend to believe negative gossip over positive truth.


love lisa