Paranoia

So...you know how some people say that they don't care what people think of them?
That is not true of me. I care. A lot. I'm not even ashamed of saying it. I want people to think well of me, and when they don't, it bothers me. I'm not saying that I change the way I am in front of others just to please them (although, honestly, I think everyone does that a little without even realizing). I just think very hard about how I am coming off when I do or say something. Sometimes I don't think til afterwards, and then I realize that I'm embarrassed. Then I start humming to myself. Cuz that's what I do when I am thinking about something embarrassing. (And now you all know why I sing so much...)
Basically, this tendency of mine to worry about what other people think/see in me makes me really paranoid. I worry that people will think I'm annoying when I'm really just overly enthusiastic. Or that they think I'm self-centered when I'm actually just forgetful and scatterbrained. I forget people's birthdays not because I don't care about them. I just suck at remembering dates. And I worry that people think I'm fake.
One time I found out that someone didn't like me because they thought I was always trying to be some other person. First, I just want to say that when I find out someone doesn't like me, it eats my brain until I'm a mindless, miserable zombie. So if you know someone who doesn't like me, please don't tell me. I really don't want to know, though I probably already do. I'm pretty sensitive to those kinds of signals. Secondly, I don't try to be other people. I just find traits that I admire in other people, and try to become a better person by imitating good traits. It's not usually easy and sometimes not successful and it hurt me that someone would dislike me because I was trying to become a better person. Why do people have to pick these little things about you to hate on?

Mosquitoes have 47 teeth.


love lisa