Signals

Yeah...so I'm pretty sure that when I'm really busy and have a lot of work to do and, like, 5 exams to study for, there is some chemical signal that happens biologically within me that produces an insatiable need to:
1. Clean everything. Everything.
2. Start playing a new game on my emulator, even if this requires downloading new ROMs or an entirely new emulator (In this case, ChronoTrigger, which is a great game btw)
3. Watch Youtube videos
4. Play Bubblespinner
5. Blog, apparently

Why do I fail at studying?

love lisa

Paranoia

So...you know how some people say that they don't care what people think of them?
That is not true of me. I care. A lot. I'm not even ashamed of saying it. I want people to think well of me, and when they don't, it bothers me. I'm not saying that I change the way I am in front of others just to please them (although, honestly, I think everyone does that a little without even realizing). I just think very hard about how I am coming off when I do or say something. Sometimes I don't think til afterwards, and then I realize that I'm embarrassed. Then I start humming to myself. Cuz that's what I do when I am thinking about something embarrassing. (And now you all know why I sing so much...)
Basically, this tendency of mine to worry about what other people think/see in me makes me really paranoid. I worry that people will think I'm annoying when I'm really just overly enthusiastic. Or that they think I'm self-centered when I'm actually just forgetful and scatterbrained. I forget people's birthdays not because I don't care about them. I just suck at remembering dates. And I worry that people think I'm fake.
One time I found out that someone didn't like me because they thought I was always trying to be some other person. First, I just want to say that when I find out someone doesn't like me, it eats my brain until I'm a mindless, miserable zombie. So if you know someone who doesn't like me, please don't tell me. I really don't want to know, though I probably already do. I'm pretty sensitive to those kinds of signals. Secondly, I don't try to be other people. I just find traits that I admire in other people, and try to become a better person by imitating good traits. It's not usually easy and sometimes not successful and it hurt me that someone would dislike me because I was trying to become a better person. Why do people have to pick these little things about you to hate on?

Mosquitoes have 47 teeth.


love lisa

I am an abandoner

Sigh...it's been....a long time. I'm sorry. I fail. When I was younger, I started and abandoned, like, 5 diaries. Each one started with "Hi! My name is Lisa! I"m going to write in you every day so someone will find this a thousand years from now and I'll be famous!" Then somewhere in the first or second entry would be a disclaimer like this: "I know that my sisters will find this and break into it and read it, so I'm not ever going to use real names. Especially BOYS' names."
A few pages later, the occurrence hinted at above would occur and there would be a drawing kind of looking like this:

Then, if you carefully observed the dates and entries, they would go something like this:

September 3, 1996: "Hi! My name is Lisa! I like boys!"

September 4, 1996: "I really like Brian because he has brown hair"

September 5, 1996: "Brian said today that he likes pickles. I like pickles! We should get married"

September 15, 1996: "So much has happened since I last wrote! I don't like Brian anymore. I like Pete."

November 19, 1996: "I'm so sorry I haven't written in so long! I like Brian again...."

June 5 1997: *See above picture*

January 4, 1998: "I'm so sorry I haven't written in so long! I've really grown up now though. I realize that I never really liked Brian or Pete. It was all a trick my mind was playing. No. I know better now. I realize now that I'm madly in love with John."

Sigh...I always felt like such a bad person. My diaries must have felt so sad. I would always apologize, too, because diaries have feelings too. Really.

Heinz bottles have the number 57 on them to represent how many pickles the company once had.

love lisa

The Rabbit

there is a field
and in the field is a rabbit
it is a beautiful rabbit, with a soft, glossy coat and ears longer than the average rabbit
it lives in a beautiful field where dandelions grow in abundance and there are many other rabbits
it is blessed

but this rabbit is not happy
this rabbit is looking for the most beautiful dandelion in the field
it hops around, searching among the many other dandelions
and it occasionally finds a dandelion that appears beautiful and promising
the rabbit tastes it
and finds it is bitter

the rabbit sees other rabbits also hopping among the grasses
and joins them, seeing that they are happy in their search
but the rabbit is not happy
its search is fruitless
it wonders why the other rabbits seem so happy

this rabbit doesn't realize
that the other rabbits are not searching
they have already found it
have tasted it
and found it sweet beyond their wildest imaginings

My Big Sister's Wedding

Wow....my big sister is married. Now she's so....old. ;)
It was a beautiful wedding. I cried so much. First at the tea ceremony when my dad gave a speech and you could hear the emotion in his voice. Then when Cancan walked down the aisle, absolutely radiant in her beaded white gown. Then again when Cancan and Nhan exchanged vows, promising to make each other's days beautiful and full of love. I bawled on my sister's shoulder after the ceremony while she comforted me, as she always has my entire life. Finally again during the Daddy-Daughter dance to the tune of Butterfly Kisses.

I'm surprised I have eyes left.

I was wondering during the wedding why I was crying so much. I really hadn't expected to, because I was happy for Cancan that she was going to be with the love of her life for always. And it's not like I'm losing her. She'll still always be there for me when I need her; I know it. I guess it was just the shock of realizing how far we've come since we were two little girls fighting over what the real words to the Mary Poppin's song was. Heh. She yelled at me then, too. :)

I love Cancan. I wish all the best for her and commend her on making an excellent choice for her husband. I pray for her that she has a long, loving relationship with Nhan and they always see their love above all else no matter what. I hope to maintain the same close relationship with her I always have. And I pray for...many babies. And soon. :) I love babies.

love lisa

I wish I could

I wish I was more talented/had more time to become so. There are so many things that I wish I could do or learn, and I just don't have time. Among these are:

Latin dance
Play guitar, saxophone, and cello
Learn Japanese, French, and Spanish
Make clothing (not just little mending and stuff)
Be even mildly physically active

Anyway, I'm taking Korean right now, which is pretty awesome, so I'm fulfilling one wish.
New goal for the semester: get out of my comfort zone and make more non-Asian friends. I don't know why so many of my friends right now are Asian. I'm really not all that Asian myself, but somehow I have just surrounded myself with Orientals. Nothing against them; I love my Asian friends! But I just feel so one-dimensional right now. Must meet more people! Can't because I have no more time to join another student group! Dagnabbit!

I want to take Salsa lessons.

love lisa